Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Shocking Violence IN The Temple!

Jesus of Nazareth starts riot in the most sacred of places
March 4th AD 33

The Temple today was desecrated after self-styled preacher and 'messiah' Jesus of Nazareth burst in and started a riot. The exact motivation for this outburst which will shock many is unclear but eyewitness accounts suggest Jesus was objecting to the long-established traders who provide sacrifices for everyday worshipers.

Around sunrise yesterday Jesus and his usual bunch of thugs burst into the temple and began intimidating local businessmen and disrupting the usual peaceful running of our most holy site. Several stall-owners lost all their stock as birds and lambs broke free -  leading to the horrific sight of the Holy Temple looking like a farmyard. We have also heard reports of looting from the disrupted stalls.

The clear-up continues today and the anger amongst local businessmen and religious leaders was obvious: One told me "I'm working hard for a living whilst he scrounges off others, then he does this... I'm lost for words" whilst another said "There's no excuse for this kind of vandalism - all we're trying to do is make living." One of the Teachers of the Law was incandescent with rage "This kind of outrage is an offence before God, it's bad enough for him to be spouting his nonsensical teaching in public but to desecrate the temple in this way is unforgivable!"

Most shocking of all, perhaps is that condemnation of Jesus' actions was not universal with some claiming that the various temple businesses have been profiteering at the expense of earnest worshipers for years. The suggestion of over-charging and dishonesty was vehemently and angrily denied by the Chief Priest.

Daily Wail Reporter

Monday, 26 August 2013

Irresponsible Behaviour Leads to a Rise in People Seeking Emergency Health Care and Fall in Synagogue Attendances

July 4th AD 30

Visiting the clinic in Galilee was an unpleasant business, waiting times are now up to an intolerable 3hrs. A spokesperson for the clinic stated the cause as an unprecedented number of people concerned with the risk of Leprosy. This appears to have come about after the irresponsible behaviour of the radical preacher ‘Jesus of Nazereth’

The consensus of opinion of all involved is deep shock. One bystander reported the incident thus, ‘I was out for a stroll and came across a large crowd following a man, I pushed through the crowd to see what was going on, I was shocked to see the leader of the crowd touching a man with leprosy. What made it worse was the fact he then told him to seek out a priest. Everyone knows to avoid people with leprosy as it is so highly contagious’

A spokesman for the synagogue refused to speak about whether or not the man had attended, however stated that there is no risk of contagion as the synagogue has been ritually and spiritually cleansed.

Zahara Scribe

Jesus' Single Mother Shame Exclusive

June 10th AD 31

We can exclusively reveal that radical and popular preacher Jesus, 'son-of-Joseph-the-carpenter' was in fact the son of single mother who used his imminent birth to demand free-accommodation.

Not much has been known about the background of Jesus of Nazareth since he appeared on the scene - preaching his radical (and some would call dangerously insurgent) message. Even less was known about his family, but months of painstaking research can now reveal the dark and shameful truth.

We journeyed to the small and unassuming town of Nazareth and spoke to many of the older residents who remember Jesus as a boy. They told us that Joseph and Mary had returned to the town some two and a half years after Jesus was born - what they were doing in that time remains a mystery. The carpenter's family always claimed they were staying with relatives in Bethlehem for all that time but we have also spoken to residents there who told us the small family was seen to flee in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and the next day there were soldiers everywhere.

Upon their return to Nazareth, they all seemed to want to put the past behind them and forget about those early years, and now we know why. One older local, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that when Joseph and Mary left Nazareth around the time of the great census, Mary was already heavily pregnant and they were not married. "There were rumours at the time," she said "That Joseph isn't even the father" but what is certain is that Mary was a single mother in Bethlehem where another source told us "It's unbelievable what some people will try to get away with, but that Mary woman used her imminent labour to demand someone put her up... I mean it's hardly anyone else's fault that she's in that condition is it? And I don't see why that should mean she gets free room and board!"

What is clear is that Jesus has sought to distance himself from his family - denying any connection with his mother and brothers when they came to try to persuade him from his provocative 'ministry.' Perhaps this is the reason he's so ashamed?

Daily Wail Reporter

Jesus Responsible for Fall in House Prices

March 6th AD 30

Radical preacher, Jesus of Nazareth was today involved in yet another scandal as he was speaking in a private house in Judea. A large crowd had gathered to hear him speak and it seems that some very keen to meet him had been unable to get in. Not to be deterred this small band of hooligans climbed on to the roof of the private residence and broke through the roof so they could lower their allegedly-disabled friend to see the enigmatic rabbi.

On-lookers were said to be shocked when parts of the roof started falling on to the crowd gathered inside - although there are no confirmed reports of serious injuries at least one source told us they saw several people covered in blood. Yet the most shocking part of this story is that having committed their act of vandalism and interrupted Jesus speaking, rather than condemn such an antisocial act, Jesus reportedly commended them and was then said to make some weird claim of divinity before the 'disabled' man was seen to walk out of the front of the house.

We found one of the neighbours who said "I always knew he was faking being crippled, too lazy to work, that's his problem - day after day begging in the streets - and now he's been miraculously 'healed' - it's just obscene what some people try to get away with." We spoke to several locals who were concerned that such blatant acts of vandalism in broad daylight would lead to a collapse in property prices in the town and that the sooner Jesus left the better.  

Daily Wail Reporter