Friday, 3 April 2015

Jesus Executed

Jesus of Nazareth Dies on a Roman Cross 

. . . .

Passover Special Edition AD 33

Well, no one would argue that it hasn’t been interesting, exciting and dramatic. These are all fitting adjectives for the ‘ministry’ of Jesus of Nazareth but it is now all over in a complete and final way. It is over in humiliation.

At around 3pm today Jesus breathed his last. Death was confirmed when the centurion sent to break legs of crucifixion victims found he was already dead.

It seems inevitable that the story of this itinerant preacher will quickly fade into obscurity but there is also little doubt things will be quieter in Judea now. It is probably too early for any firm conclusions but many will argue that anyone who courts the wrath of Rome is likely to end up this way. As the saying goes, if you want to tweak the tiger's tail, make sure you have a plan for dealing with his claws.

With a humiliating death we see the end of Jesus of Nazareth's preaching, what now for the large numbers who were taken in by him and hoping for so much more?

Daily Wail Reporter

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Jesus: Don't Bother Taking Responsibility for Yourself

Itinerant Preacher Rewards Recklessness
. . . .
Sept 7th AD 31

While many is Judean society worry about Jesus-of-Nazareth's subversive preaching, his actions also seem to be carrying a louder message. It is up to him and a ragamuffin followers if they want to live a vagabond life around the country and court Rome's Wrath but surely it is unacceptable to be encouraging others to do likewise?

It seems that Jesus'  teaching once again drew a large crowd who listened to him espousing all day yesterday. Having reached the end of the day, and several miles from any town, it emerged (incredibly) that no one had the forethought to take food.

Most moral teachers would see this as an opportunity for a worthy life-lesson about the importance of thinking ahead and of taking responsibility for one's own needs. It seems that Jesus had a different idea. Rather than rebuking such foolishness he somehow provided food for all of them (possibly as many as 5000 men and their families).

Quite how Jesus managed this feat of mass catering is unclear and many wild theories of 'miraculous provision' have been flying around but surely more important is the message this sends. Many in Israel will worry about a society where irresponsibility is being encouraged; if people no longer feel the need to look after themselves and just expect others to provide for them, who knows what damage will be done to society?

 Daily Wail Reporter

Monday, 11 November 2013

Radical Rabbi Advocates Boozy Parties

Controversial ‘Teacher’, known commonly as Jesus of Nazareth, embarks to undermine social standards, opting rather for a care-free, ‘live and let die’ attitude to life.
May 13th AD 32
Having recently travelled to the area of Galilee, the Nazarene quickly drew attention to himself in the way he interacted with the infirm, claiming to heal people from their illnesses, as well as consorting with known offenders and con artists.  His action were not missed by the local Pharisees, who were concerned what this effect this new bohemian behavior might have on the community. But it was not until his evening activities took place that those of traditional family values were also greatly unsettled.
“One of the swindlers in town got chatting to this Nazarene, and invited him over for a big party at his house, boasting about the food he’d have and how much drink will be available,” says one of the distressed mothers of the town.
It comes to no surprise that the ‘Teacher’, who lives the lifestyle of a vagabond, would so openly welcome the opportunity to squat in a warm home and drink copious amounts of alcohol. 
It was reported that the Pharisees personally went to address this man the morning following the big carouse, which left many neighbours disturbed late into the night. They stated that they felt it is their personal responsibility to protect the people from the jeopardizing activities this man so forcefully endorses. Sources confirm that the Nazarene’s response to their charges were unsettling for the authorities to hear; “Despite our attempts to reason with the man, he stood by his convictions, telling us repeatedly to ‘make the most of it’ and ‘party on while you can.’ We want to make it clear to the people we do not condone this reckless behaviour and will do our utmost to ensure our town does not become riddled with party-goers and drunkards.”
Towns people have found solace in the rumour that this man does not stay in any one place for a long time, and trust that their genteel way of life with return to normal upon his departure. The authorities however have decided to open up a further investigation into the so called ‘teachings’ of this Nazarene, for fear of an insurgent rising amongst the questionable characters he chooses to fraternize with. 
 Zipporah Script

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Sleep With Who Ever You Like! Adultery is 'Ok' Says Radical 'Rabbi'

Jesus of Nazareth does it again...
Dec 14th AD 31

In Jerusalem today we learnt that whilst he is quick to preach his now archetypal radical message, Jesus doesn't seem to like be posed with difficult questions. Our nation's leaders applied some much needed scrutiny to this vagabond-preacher today in the Temple Courts. A woman caught in the act of adultery was brought before Jesus to pose for him the straight-forward legal question of how she should be punished.

For several minutes, rather than answer the question, he stalled for time by drawing on the ground. When finally pressed for an answer Jesus replied: "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Of course, none of us would claim to be perfect but surely - most will be asking - you have to draw the line somewhere? Apparently afterwards Jesus encouraged the woman to go free and hinted that no condemnation was due her! Although the exact words he said are known only to her and she could not be located for comment.

No amount of clever word play can ever excuse immorality. Nothing but the complete collapse of decent society is to be found is we allow ourselves to follow that path.

Daily Wail Reporter

Friday, 13 September 2013

"Don't Try This At Home!" Warn Leading Doctors

Normadic Preacher's Actions Leads to a Spate of Attempted 'Spitting Cures'
. .
Jan 2nd AD 32

All I can say is, ‘Please do not try this at home’ said a leading doctor today. Over the last few days there has been a spate of people spitting and claiming it cures all ills. Given we all know the risks of spitting, why has this become a problem of epidemic proportions?

It would appear that the disreputable, nomadic preacher ‘Jesus of Nazereth’ is at the root of this current craze. The first incident occurred somewhere between Sidon and Galilee in the district of Ten Towns. Jesus was seen to stick his fingers in a man’s ears and spitting on to his tongue! This man was supposedly deaf and mute and ‘cured’ by these actions. 

The second incident occurred at Betsaida. It is reported that Jesus attempted to take a blind man from the sight of villagers, however they followed and were disgusted to see Jesus spit in his eyes. Jesus was clearly aware that this behaviour would lead to significant criticism as he asked both people not to talk about them.

The increasing disreputable behaviour of this self-styled rabbi is leading to a lot of concern amongst the authorities. In the meantime one can only hope that no-one tries to copy his erratic behaviour.

Zahara Scribe

Saturday, 7 September 2013

The Multicutural Rabbi!

Jesus of Nazareth seen consorting with a Samaritan Woman!
Nov 30th AD 31

The sudden appearance of radical preacher Jesus of Nazareth has certainly caught the nation's attention. Whilst some support his radical teaching as being just the breath of fresh air we need his behaviour and teaching remains very much on the edge of the established debate.

Most recently, Jesus went to a Samaritan village and spend a significant amount of time talking with the locals, most specifically with a woman of a somewhat dubious reputation. The strong, historic differences between the Jewish people and the Samaritans have meant that the two cultures have been separate for centuries. It will come as a shock to many of our readers that a man who presumes to be a Jewish teacher was heard to encourage a mixing of the two peoples. One witness told us that Jesus said that the Jews and Samaritans should now worship together. Many will be asking how it's possible for any true Jew to so compromise his beliefs as to accept foreign practises in Judea. Some may even think it blasphemy.

Once again, the words and actions of Jesus are not what we have come to expect from moral leaders and this threat to the Jewish way of life that he proposes will be deeply troubling to many Jews who feel their way-of-life is already under severe threat.

Daily Wail Reporter