"Don't Try This At Home!" Warn Leading Doctors

Normadic Preacher's Actions Leads to a Spate of Attempted 'Spitting Cures'
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Jan 2nd AD 32

All I can say is, ‘Please do not try this at home’ said a leading doctor today. Over the last few days there has been a spate of people spitting and claiming it cures all ills. Given we all know the risks of spitting, why has this become a problem of epidemic proportions?

It would appear that the disreputable, nomadic preacher ‘Jesus of Nazereth’ is at the root of this current craze. The first incident occurred somewhere between Sidon and Galilee in the district of Ten Towns. Jesus was seen to stick his fingers in a man’s ears and spitting on to his tongue! This man was supposedly deaf and mute and ‘cured’ by these actions. 

The second incident occurred at Betsaida. It is reported that Jesus attempted to take a blind man from the sight of villagers, however they followed and were disgusted to see Jesus spit in his eyes. Jesus was clearly aware that this behaviour would lead to significant criticism as he asked both people not to talk about them.

The increasing disreputable behaviour of this self-styled rabbi is leading to a lot of concern amongst the authorities. In the meantime one can only hope that no-one tries to copy his erratic behaviour.

Zahara Scribe

Irresponsible Behaviour Leads to a Rise in People Seeking Emergency Health Care and Fall in Synagogue Attendances

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July 4th AD 30

Visiting the clinic in Galilee was an unpleasant business, waiting times are now up to an intolerable 3hrs. A spokesperson for the clinic stated the cause as an unprecedented number of people concerned with the risk of Leprosy. This appears to have come about after the irresponsible behaviour of the radical preacher ‘Jesus of Nazereth’

The consensus of opinion of all involved is deep shock. One bystander reported the incident thus, ‘I was out for a stroll and came across a large crowd following a man, I pushed through the crowd to see what was going on, I was shocked to see the leader of the crowd touching a man with leprosy. What made it worse was the fact he then told him to seek out a priest. Everyone knows to avoid people with leprosy as it is so highly contagious’

A spokesman for the synagogue refused to speak about whether or not the man had attended, however stated that there is no risk of contagion as the synagogue has been ritually and spiritually cleansed.

Zahara Scribe