Friday, 13 September 2013

"Don't Try This At Home!" Warn Leading Doctors

Normadic Preacher's Actions Leads to a Spate of Attempted 'Spitting Cures'
. .
Jan 2nd AD 32

All I can say is, ‘Please do not try this at home’ said a leading doctor today. Over the last few days there has been a spate of people spitting and claiming it cures all ills. Given we all know the risks of spitting, why has this become a problem of epidemic proportions?

It would appear that the disreputable, nomadic preacher ‘Jesus of Nazereth’ is at the root of this current craze. The first incident occurred somewhere between Sidon and Galilee in the district of Ten Towns. Jesus was seen to stick his fingers in a man’s ears and spitting on to his tongue! This man was supposedly deaf and mute and ‘cured’ by these actions. 

The second incident occurred at Betsaida. It is reported that Jesus attempted to take a blind man from the sight of villagers, however they followed and were disgusted to see Jesus spit in his eyes. Jesus was clearly aware that this behaviour would lead to significant criticism as he asked both people not to talk about them.

The increasing disreputable behaviour of this self-styled rabbi is leading to a lot of concern amongst the authorities. In the meantime one can only hope that no-one tries to copy his erratic behaviour.

Zahara Scribe

Saturday, 7 September 2013

The Multicutural Rabbi!

Jesus of Nazareth seen consorting with a Samaritan Woman!
Nov 30th AD 31

The sudden appearance of radical preacher Jesus of Nazareth has certainly caught the nation's attention. Whilst some support his radical teaching as being just the breath of fresh air we need his behaviour and teaching remains very much on the edge of the established debate.

Most recently, Jesus went to a Samaritan village and spend a significant amount of time talking with the locals, most specifically with a woman of a somewhat dubious reputation. The strong, historic differences between the Jewish people and the Samaritans have meant that the two cultures have been separate for centuries. It will come as a shock to many of our readers that a man who presumes to be a Jewish teacher was heard to encourage a mixing of the two peoples. One witness told us that Jesus said that the Jews and Samaritans should now worship together. Many will be asking how it's possible for any true Jew to so compromise his beliefs as to accept foreign practises in Judea. Some may even think it blasphemy.

Once again, the words and actions of Jesus are not what we have come to expect from moral leaders and this threat to the Jewish way of life that he proposes will be deeply troubling to many Jews who feel their way-of-life is already under severe threat.

Daily Wail Reporter